Hierophany

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Pre-Game

Ok, the hot stove league is already starting to warm up. The Yankees might sign Japanese strikeout guy Daizuke Matsuzaka. Elsewhere, two Blue Jays have taken free agency underwing like tiny puppies lost in a flood. Frank Menechino and Ken Huckaby. Hold on...that’s their agent on the other line. He’s working the phone book trying to find someone who will sign either of them. Menechino was decent last year, but as an aging outfielder, why would a club sign him?

I want to mention two of the keenest baseball sites I’ve ever come across. They are thecurseofa-rod.com and mlbeat.blogspot.com. We all know A-Rod sucks and that the Yankees are better off without him. That is your introduction to thecurseofa-rod.com. Taylor Upchurch runs mlbeat.blogspot.com and keeps a close eye not just on The Game, but on the people who comprise it. Like Tim McCarver and Joe Morgan, for instance.

Innings 1-3

I had taken some Benadryl and I was knocked out. But Burke was safe at third. Barely. Nunez waited a split second before applying the tag. That’s all Burke needed. Astros lead 1-0.

Inning 4

Larry Walker continues to struggle. Tony should think about getting So Taguchi some at-bats because Larry’s at-bats are becoming non-events. Sanders reaches base on an infield single despite a diving stop, glove, and throw by Ensberg. Grudzielanek has been quiet like Walker. With his beard he looks like Matt Morris. Oswalt is one strike away from being through four shutout. Grud grounds out. After four, it’s Stros 1, Cards 0.

Inning 5

Between innings, Clemens stars in an H-E-B supermarket commercial with his son. Apparently hi son has signed a baseball contract to play in the minors with some team “up north.” Yeah, the Astros drafted Koby Clemens in 2005. He is playing with the Greeneville, Tenn. ‘Stros of the Appalachain League.

Ausmus has doubled to lead off the fifth. Now Oswalt needs to bunt Ausmus over. There it is, one out but Ausmus is now on third. Biggio grounds out but knocks in Ausmus. Two nothing ‘Stros. Mulder has been pitching pretty well. The Cards need to show him some support. Willy T grounds out to Mulder to end the top of the fifth.

While Fox is busy doing an in-dugout interview with the Astros’ pitching coach, Yadier Molina doubles silently to right. Did that really happen or was it file footage? It’s hard to know. Mulder quickly in the hole 0-2, apparently not up there to bunt. Yeah he whiffs, what a wasted at-bat. Now David “This Kid” Eckstein is in the box. Oswalt starts him out with an 88-mph breaker. Fast ball up and a little in, even count. Eckstein hits .320 in the postseason. Eckstein fouls one off up and in. Another pitch up and in! Eckstein sings some chin music. Oswalt steps off to look Molina back at second. Ball three. The crowd gets loud. Fastball is close but up a bit on the diminutive Eckstein. Now it’s Jimmy time. Mound conference. Pass the spliff. This has been the Cards’ best inning, with the double and walk. But two outs…. Ball one a little low to Easy Edmonds. A 95-mph strike on the outside corner. Fastball inside just misses. Looked good, though. Fox has this from-the-ground cam. Pretty worthless. Oswalt throws one by Edmonds. Oswalt spits. Edmonds fouls one back. Oswalt puts strike three on the inside corner except Edmonds takes it as ball three. Now a ball inside and low is strike three. You never know. Edmonds should’ve been swinging.

Inning Six

Edmonds makes a difficult, diving catch on a sinking bomb hit by Ensberg. Gets dirty on the warning track clay. His elbow might be a little scraped but he saved a run. Chubby Berkman was lucky to make it back to first after stumbling on second. Lane yanks one foul. Lane has been Houston’s Larry Walker, playing right and having a very quiet series. Only three RBI this postseason. Lane sits down. Garner should keep him down because he’s not swinging very well.

In between time: yet another American car maker touting fuel efficiency in a commercial. Suddenly every car commercial talks about fuel efficiency. Suddenly everyone cares. When did that happen? When fuel went past $2.50/gallon? When are we going to start seeing commercials by bus companies? When gas gets to five?

Oswalt starts Pujols out with a breaker. Then he brings a fastball and Pujols hits the snot out of it. Two to one Astros. That went into Homer’s Landing, over the Houston bullpen. It’s like watching Bartolo Colon take a rip. Walker grounds out to first. Anesthesia, please! Oswalt throws one by Sanders. A shot of Pujols in the dugout. There is no way he’s only 26. Twenty-nine or thirty. He’s got a receding hairline. Sanders down on fastballs. Grudzielanek is hitting .182 this postseason. Is Luna on the roster? This was LaRussa’s downfall last postseason: when guys got cold he would not freshen things up. Up and in to Number Eight. A comebacker and Oswalt is through six.

Inning Seven

This H-E-B commercial features Clemens and Pettitte in football jerseys rushing a backyard barbecue. For the steaks on the grill, I guess. The ten o-clock news is airing a story about a guy who lived on bugs for a month. Damn, can’t wait until this game is over.

Now Everett. He’s been meager at the plate. Maybe time for Jose Vizcaino to step in. Now Ausmus. First pitch fastball inside. Second pitch fastball inside. A fastball catches the outside corner. Ausmus fouls away strike two. Ball three low. Strike three called. Preview for Fox’s new show: “Bones.” With the guy who was in “Buffy” and then “Angel.” It features a female forensic anthropoligist and then this guy, who is in the FBI presumably. Oswalt singles to right. Walker wanted to throw to first but Pujols wasn’t up for it. Biggio lines one into center, back-to-bak two-out singles. A chance for Willy T to drive one in. Some action in the Cards’ pen. A hook high and away evens the count at one. Willy grounds out 4-3.

Seventh inning stretch. A Nissan commercial. Taco Bell commercial. IBM commercial (help desk). Now a blimp shot of the stadium. Ah, St. Louis in the fall. Astros are 0-for-12 this series with runners in scoring position. They have eight hits this game, to the Cardinals’ four.

Nuñez leads off. Brad Lidge’s alma mater, Notre Dame, faces USC this weekend in football. First pitch strike on Nuñez. Oswalt gets him to ground out on a breaker. Molina gets a good swing but drives it foul down the right field line. Molina bombs one to left, Burke going back…back…back…he can’t find the ball, it’s down on the warning track, and bouncing over the wall into the Houston bullpen. A good left-fielder has that. Hey, if Houston’s going to sit someone, sit Lane in right, put Burke out there, let Berkman play left and play Lamb at first. Now John Rodriguez is pinch-hitting for Mulder. Nonetheless, it’s Molina’s second straight double. Oswalt just misses outside with a fastball. A careful breaking ball just misses inside. Qualls is warming up in the Houston pen. The Cards fans reach their feat. Ball four low. Get those thunder stix going, Cardinals fans! Pitching coach Hickey goes out to speak with Oswalt. The catcher heads out there, so do Berkman and Everett. The ump walks out to break it up. Gallo, the southpaw, is now getting warm in the pen with Qualls. Oswalt has thrown 102 pitches. Astros outfielders playing in. Eckstein takes a strike, one-and-one. Ball two inside. Eckstein gets a piece of a fastball, sending it foul. Oswalt spits. Another fastball fouled off, 94 m.p.h. Eckstein flies out to center. Now Edmonds. Oswalt will face him. He’s struck Edmonds out seventeen times. Edmonds grounds out to first. Houston still leads 2-1.

Inning Eight

Fox is showing another replay of the faux-strike three from last night’s Sox win over the Angels. Sprint commercial. State Farm Insurance commercial. McDonald’s commercial. Oral-B commercial. Now a promo for the hot new Fox show: “Prison Break.” If there’s one doomed show Fox has been promoting this fall, it’s “Prison Break.” Now a promo for the Pamela Anderson show, “Stacked.”

Tavarez starts the eighth on the mound for St. Louis. Lance Berkman greets him with a lead-off double. Ensberg grounds out to first, six-three, failing to get Berkman over to third. Strike one to Lane. Another six-three groundout, Berkman is ready to set-up camp on second. Burke is up. Ball one outside. Strike one. Tavarez throws one away, it kicks off of the backstop, Molina whips it down to third, without any real shot at getting Berkman. Burke lines a single to left and Berkman comes home. No one is hitting better for Houston right now than Burke. So, now the Astros have scored one run on a passed ball (in the second inning). Now a wild pitch leads to another Astros’ run. Two strikes on Everett. He grounds one foul to the third-base side. Now he hits one hard to left, Sanders is closing in on it, gets a glove on it, jumps, and the ball appears to knock him over. He lands with a thud and it’s a triple for Everett! Four to one Astros. Not pretty. Sanders landed right on his ass. The trainer is out there. Sanders took a strange trajectory to that ball and mis-timed his Dickens-esque jump. Sanders has left the field via the left-field bullpen door. Now playing left field for the Cardinals: So Taguchi! Either way, Everett hasn’t hit a ball that hard in weeks. It’s his first extra-base hit of the playoffs. Now Ausmus. Wheeler joins Lidge in the Houston bullpen. A liner to Grudzielanek ends the Houston top half. That was painful.

This George Hamilton Dell commercial is the worst commercial of the playoffs. Now a Charles Schwab commercial incorporating the “Waking Life” animation. Fun to look at.

It’s Brad Lidge starting the eighth for the Astros. Pujols leads off. Strike one slider. Pujols sends on to the warning track in center field. Out one. Eric Bruntlett is in at short. Walker is in the hole one-and-two. He’s hitting .067 this postseason. The Cards against Brad Lidge have only four hits, ever. Walker fans on a slider. Nasty. So fouls off two in a row, and now he’s in the hole. Another foul. Taguchi swings at a ball. That was over very fast.

Inning Nine

ExxonMobil commercial. Verizon commercial. Circuit City commercial. Bud Light commerical. Midas commercial.

Mabry takes over in right. Marquis is on the mound. He fans Bruntlett to start the ninth. Fox goes down to Kenny Albert on the field but Kenny has no news on Sanders. Thom Brenneman takes the time to mention that Kenny Albert has a busy schedule including work on NHL and NFL games (for Fox). Marquis runs the count to three and two on Biggio. Now he gets him to strikeout. On to Willy T. Tavares grounds out. Bottom of the ninth.

More Lidge. An Aleve commerical (pharm giant Bayer makes Aleve). A Visa commercial, with white Tom Brady and his white offensive line. An Fidelity Investments commercial/biography of Paul McCartney. A Sprint commercial talking about how they now have Nextel walkie-talkie phones. A Degree deodorant commercial (Degree is marketed by hygiene superpower Unilever).

Grudzielanek flies out. But Nuñez singles to left. He moves to second on fielder’s indifference. Except Molina strikes out swinging. Mabry is the Cardinals’ final hope. Mabry grounds out 6-3.

Astros win four to one, tie the series at one game apiece.

By John Randall & Ray Wisdom, 07-05-2001

Music comes from a desktop computer, such that Nirvana is heard in the background. There is a desk and a long, wooden table. The computer is on the desk. John sits at the table. Ray is off stage, talking from “the kitchen.”

John: (singing not too loud) I’m on a plane…

Ray: Uh-oh. John, you have more soda right?

John: Yeah.

Ray: Okay.

John: What’d you say?

Ray: I said, ‘Okay.’

John: No, What did you ask me?

Ray: Do you have more soda?

John: I got a 2-liter.

Ray: Is that it?

John: I got those cans.

Ray: Cans are gone.

John: The cans are gone?! (John gets up to talk to Ray, standing at the edge of the kitchen) Are you serious?

Ray: I just opened up the last one.

John: Oh. You gotta be kidding me man.

Ray: Unless you stashed them somewhere. No more are in that box, that’s for sure.

John: Fuck. We may need more soda.

Ray: (laugh)

John: There’s that 2-Liter.

Ray: Chachi! Okay, the 2-liter’s cool.

John: (Sitting back down at the table and starting a tape recorder) Yeah, I think it’ll do.

Ray: (Joins John at the table) That’s yours. This is mine. Oh, you know what? I’m going to look up this Gammons thing and we’re going to figure out who the other AL guy was. (Get up and goes to the computer at the desk)

John: Alright. I, ah, (snaps) started a tape going.

Ray: OK, in the AL it comes down to Ramirez and Edgar Martinez.

John: Oh. Edgar Martinez?

Ray: Hold on, let’s check out his stats real quick though, alright? Here we go.

John: (predicting what the stats will say) Thirteen home runs.

Ray: OK, listen. 48 runs, 81 hits, 25 doublays, 12 dongs, 64 RBI’s, 62 walks, 49 strikeouts.

John: How many home runs?

Ray: 3 stolen bases. Twelve home runs. On-base of .437, slugging .532 for an OPS of .968—not very good.

John: Well, that’s not bad.

Ray: Batting .303? He only has 48 runs in 77 games.

John: Yeah, that….

Ray: That puts him on pace for 95 in a season.

John: I mean, it’s not one of his best years, but…

Ray: That’s not an MVP year, man. It – I mean – if you’re not going to give it to A-Rod or Giambi, it has to go to Manny if you’re going to a team that’s going good. But who’s to say that Boston’s ever going to be doing good at the end of the year?

(The bird clock, emitting the sound of a whip-poor-wil,l signals the top of the hour. John gets up and goes into the kitchen.)

Ray: Manny’s OPS is 1.076.

John: (From kitchen) A thousand and seventy-six?

Ray: Yeah. But he’s only on pace for 109 runs because everyone behind him sucks.

John: (Comes back in with either water or another drink) Well that’s not his fault.

Ray: 162 RBI’s though. A-hah-ha. But. We’re going to check out the person I call ‘El-Hombre.’

John: ‘El-Hombre’ has gotta be…

Ray: That’s right, Jason Giambi. Let’s look at these numbers. 19 home runs, 60 RBI’s, .481 on-base. .481’s pretty good.

John: It’s not bad, but it’s not .551.

Ray: Slugging .652. (laughs) OPS of 1.133, by far the best in the league. .337 average.

John: (Clears throat) Status of team? Sucks.

Ray: Sucks, but…

John: (laughs)

Ray: But…. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, John.

John: (Burp)

Ray: What we’re gonna do now?

John: Yeah…. Alright, you still owe me a …

Ray: Shut up. Shut up.

John: (snapping)

Ray: Shut up.

John: A little…

Ray: I know what you’re saying. Hey – Ray won. (Laugh)

John: P-shoo. Ray K. won.

Ray: Oakland…is in 2nd place, John, come on. Only 21 games back.

John: God…

Ray: (laughs) Oh man (yawns) Anaheim and Oakland are just playing for .500. Meanwhile, Texas – worst team in the majors. OK, where’s the stuff?

John: They’re not really are they?

Ray: No…Tampa is the worst. But Texas is 32 and 49.

John: 32 and 49?

Ray: Yeah. Umm. I need some supplies, man. The Yankees have won five in a row ever since Tino shot his wad. Had like 7 RBI’s in 2 games. That was his output for June.

(John takes a swig from his drink and his glass hits the table with a thud)

Ray: Just when you think Philly’s dead, they win five in a row. Against the Marlins. Five –game sweep – that sucks.

John: The Marlins.

Ray: 41 and 41.

John: The Marlins?

Ray: Yeah, you know what? I mean, they have, like we want the Marlins to get into the playoffs, but the thing is, they’re just as shitty as the Cardinals as far as record goes.

(John picks up his glass and in so doing hits it against a glass ashtray)

John: Well, yeah, but I’d rather be the Marlins right now than the Cards.

Ray: Well yeah, but see, the dark horse is Houston. They’re gonna, they’re gonna make the playoffs and then choke it, like every time.

John: No way they’re gonna make the playoffs.

Ray: They’re only four out of Chicago, and I mean Chicago, you know?

John: They don't have any strength at pitching. (To the music he says) Yeah.

Ray: Shane Reynolds. Wasn't he coming back — I got it dude, I got it.

John: Oh yeah — I forgot about that. Shane Reynolds is back, he's been back.

Ray: No, but he's supposed to be coming back and like...

John: Sheesh.

Ray: He says that he's finally feeling the groove.

John: He was never that good.

Ray: Shane Reynolds is a great #3 pitcher...sh...who could forget those campaigns.

John: (Laughs)

Ray: (Laughs)

John: Oh no.

Ray: Back in the late nineties...

John: Hah-hah.

Ray: ...when he was the man.

John: 'Called him Crazy Shane.

Ray: Remember? Who could forget '98? 35 starts, 31 walks, a shutout, 233 innings...

John: (Laughing...slapping table)

Ray: …He gives you innings. 257 hits, 99 runs, 99 earned runs, 209 K's, for a record of 19-8 with an ERA of 3.51. He was a force.

John: That's not bad.

Ray: The next year…

John: (Clears throat)

Ray: Four shutouts, 4 complete games, 2 shut outs, 231 innings pitches, 197 K's. 16 and 14 with a 3.85. And then last year's debacle and then this year where he's 8 and 6 with a 4.65, which isn't horrible. He's also had years of 10 and 11, 16 and 10, 9 and 10, and 8 and 5 for a career record of 94 and 75. A 3.9 E.R.A. I think if he played for the Yankees, he'd be a hall of famer.

John: Uhh... Somebody's trying to get through without...umm...Randy Fowler. Scary.

Ray: John? John. John...his ERA has been steadily declining all year — Shane Reynolds. He's the kind of guy a guy could use.

John: Maybe I should call him Shayne...

Ray: With a “y”?

John: No, like the movie.

Ray: No, but S-H-A-N, or Y-N-E. We have to do it, no.

John: Shayne.

Ray: Shayne. That's (southern accent) Shayne.

John: I have a...

Ray: (cupping hands to mouth, but soft) SHAYNE! (Again the same) Shayne!

John: (Laughs) Is that what they do in the movie?

Ray: Yeah.

John: (Laughs)

Ray: Alfonso activated off the DL...

John: Oh man, that is great, dude.

Ray: Alright, the thing is though. Should I put Alfonso back in? I have him on the IR right now. If I bring him back, I lose a slot. I have to drop someone. And the only persons to choose from are Roberto Alomar— who obviously—

John: What are you doing?

Ray: Alfonso's off the DL.

John: Uh-huh.

Ray: And I want to look and see, ah, like his replacement is Hairston, Jr. and, oh, but he's been playing well for me, you know? And who's gonna say Alfonso's good at all? When he first comes back, why not rise out the Hairston wave and then bring him back? That's all I'm sayin (me-shook-em-ah) voice.

(TV, sniffing, glasses klink in background)

John: What do you think, man?

Ray: Ah-hah-hah-hah...oh, man.

John: Want any more wine?

Ray: Oh, I am so good. My team...(laughs). Alright, see, I mean, the choice is this as far as where you can play, the only options are Alomar or Hairston Jr., right? And then you got utility, but that's Mags's and bench is Burrell.

John: Sit— sit Hairston, Jr.

Ray: I can't sit him, I have to get rid of him.

John: Mm.

Ray: ‘Cause I'm bringin in this guy off the IR.

John: Well, you just gotta do it then.

Ray: OK, well let me see what he's done for me. Let's see if he's cooled off, as it were. Chan Ho: I miss you baby, I miss you. (Smooching sounds, two smooches)

John: Yeah...

Ray: I'm still thinkin' about him.

John: (Unintelligible mumble)

Ray: Three-thirty, he's batting .333 with 2 RBI's and a walk. Alright, yeah, I'll get rid of him. What am I talking about?

John: (Unintelligble mumble)

Ray: What's that?

John: He's been a whore in our league.

Ray: (Unintelligble mumble…laughs)

Ray: If they reach, like, where at least 70 percent of the league has owned them, they get a fantasy whore status, OK? Or, if it's five teams and 3 people have used him twice. (Laughs)

John: Three teams in two weeks?

Ray: No, I think it should just be for a whole year. You have a bunch of colors to designate how much of a whore they are. (Laugh)

John: I mean, those would have to be the worst players because they would be the worst for you, ya know? OK, so who are this year's? Who are this year's fantasy whores?

Ray: (Laughs)

John: I don't know why they don't keep that stat.

Ray: Oh, God.

John: Let's look, man. Just go along the waiver wire...

Ray: Alright.

John: ...until we find some fantasy whores.

Ray: Batters—

John: Alright.

Ray: Now, I'll give you all the offensive players.

John: You can click on them and see where they've been.

Ray: (Laughs)

John: Alright, let's see who we got.

Ray: You got Kendall, 100% owned.

John: No.

Ray: No.

Ray: Garrett Anderson?

John: No.

Ray: He's still on the waiver wires, baby. Doug G.

John: Click on Glanville. I think a few people have—

Ray: (Laughs) Next is Houston and I had him for just a little while.

John: I don't know, I don't, I don't know if more than two have had him.

Ray: I wonder if Polanco is. He's a guy I picked up.

John: Not enough people have picked him up.

Ray: Um— no...2 people. Alright, well, we'll keep going. How do I get, ah, like, can I go back? I can't go back now.

John: Oh, just click out of this window, 'cause it's a new window.

Ray: OK. Alright, how 'bout, no...Jose Hernandez?

John: Yeah, he's probably been with at least three teams.

Ray: I had him for a little bit.

John: My brother might've had him.

Ray: Fantasy whores. Ugh.

John: (Laughs)

Ray: Am I the only one whose...

John: We've been dead wrong.

Ray: Ok, Brad Fullmer?

John: No, I don't...

Ray: No. What about Womack?

John: No, I don't think that many people have had him.

Ray: Batista, Dmitri Young, Terrence Long, Gabe Kapler.

John: (Coughs)

Ray: Julio Lugo, Jon Vander Wal, Kenny Lofton, Alex Gonzalez…

John: Click on, ah, Jon Vander Wal.

Ray: (As if it were Willie Nelson singing) Crazy…

John: Julio Lugo might be one.

Ray: Crazy.

John: Three people might have had Julio Lugo.

Ray: We're gonna have to drop our standards.

John: No, it's gotta be three, man, three's nothing.

Ray: Fuck. One person, man.

John: We have been missing the mark. You can also do open-apple W.

Ray: OK.

John: What are we listening to, man?

Ray: Two people have owned Gonzalez.

John: Alright, alright, we need some resolve.

Ray: Ok, Ok.

John: Our next pick has to be good.

Ray: Oh, yeah. Not a good pick?

John: I think three people have had him maybe.

Ray: You've said that twice now. That's the jinx!

John: (Laughs)

Ray: That's the jinx.

John: (Laughs)

Ray: Why does it take so — oh! oh! Three!

John: Look at that history.

Ray: Perfect timing, perfect timing.

John: Pokey Reese...(laughs)

Ray: This is like Pokey on the scene right here. What's up nigga, Pokey on the scene!

Ray: He's had 3 teams, but your brother's had him twice. (laughs)

John: Yeah, I guess that would be lowering your standards. That's still not quite perfect.

Ray: But that's the best one so far. We need to look for shortstops, those are guys...

John: Look for Ramon Hernandez.

Ray: He's not out there though.

John: Who has Ramon Hernandez?

Ray: I don't know.

John: You should look at pitchers now.

Ray: What do you think about Eckstein?

John: No, no one's ever had Eckstein.

Ray: Branyan?

John: Branyan: Two people maybe.

Ray: Jordan?

John: No.

Ray: Stevens?

John: No.

Ray: Randa?

John: No.

Ray: Damion Easley?

John: No.

Ray: Marquis Grissom?

John: No.

Ray: Placido?

John: Look up Mark Quinn, dude.

Ray: I've had him for so long though.

John: Really?

Ray: Yeah, I've had him for a long time. What about…Andres?

John: No.

Ray: See, there's no one down here.

John: Ken C. Look up K.C. I hope no one had Galaragga. (Tapping on table)

Ray: He's a free agent.

John: Who is?

Ray: He is.

John: Who?

Ray: Caminiti.

John: Oh.

Ray: I had to look him up. There he is.

John: He got released by the Rangers...

Ray: He's never been owned. Wow. That is a kick in the fucking face dude.

John: That, that, that's a lesson: don't do dry guesses. We need to come by them by looking on the screen.

Ray: I'm trying Hairston.

John: I don't think...

Ray: I've only had him 4 days.

John: My brother had him.

Ray: I had him for 4 days, y.k. He's been out there as far as I know the whole season. Two people. Me & your brother. Your Brother's owned him twice. Beltran. That's it...

John: Beltran...

Ray: Your brother twice.

John: Yeah, that's the worst.

Ray: Did we look up Womack?

John: No, I don't think Womack is gonna be...

Ray: But people might be like, 'I'll pick him up for the steals.'

John: Eh...

Ray: Then he'll suck.

John: Look at, ah, Juan Pierre.

Ray: (laugh)

Ray: Drafted by We Got Wood. Your brother has had fuckin' everybody, man.

John: (laughs)

Ray: Your brother is the pimp, though, of the league. He's the waiver pimp.

John: Yeah.

Ray: I mean, but it's not a derogatory thing for him since he's in first fucking place.

John: Yeah. I...he's really been using it as just a supplemental thing. It's not like he depends on it.

Ray: Yeah. Yeah, we need to think about people that aren't on this list, though—that people have now. ‘Cause that's the whole point.

John: Oh shit, man. Of course! That, that's one step ahead of us.

Ray: Two people for, ah, Pierre.

John: Alright, well let's start savag— ravaging people's teams.

Ray: Alright.

John: So we want people who just got picked up.

Ray: First your brother. Maybe I should start from the last place team through.

John: What about Ben Petrick, dude? Everybody's had Ben Petrick.

Ray: Really?

John: There's been three people who've had Ben Petrick.

Ray: Your brother has a pretty solid team. Like Lawton maybe. I don't know if he's had him all year. Vizquel—

John: No.

Ray: Um, Geoff Jenkins.

John: No.

Ray: These are no, he hasn't had him all year, or no, they're not.

John: No, no they're not fantasy whores.

Ray: Beltran? Did he have him on the IR the whole time?

John: Mmmm. No.

Ray: Hollandsworth?

John: Three people might have had Hollandsworth. Let's check 'im out.

Ray: This's such a long track.… Two people.

John: Ohh...

Ray: Yeah, so he won't have anyone. You want me to look up Petrick real quick?

John: Yeah.

Ray: Well, too bad, I hit Atlanta.

John: You hit who?

Ray: Atlanta.

John: Atlanta?! You're gonna look through their team? Oh, I thought you meant the Braves.

Ray: Adam Kennedy maybe?

John: No...

Ray: Well other than that he's got, he's got Furcal, Giles, Damon, Sheffield, Ramirez, Gonzalez, Todd Walker, Olerud and Vlad. I mean, none of those - he doesn't have anyone. Propose trade.

John: We should go through and each propose everybody in our league a trade. Two of 'em would get accepted and, still major, major changes would break out.

Ray: (Laughing and sneering.) Yeah, I kinda wanna trade someone. Even though I'm excited about my team, I could still get more excited about it, you know? Why am I doing it this way when I could have just clicked on them with all the teams? Jeter fan. That's what it says for me. I might change it at the All Star break. But to who? High Lifers, Jeter fan, Nighthawks. Three.

John: Fantasy whore Ben Petrick.

Ray: When did that bitch drop him? April 10th. He dropped him so early. I didn't even see it. You didn't pick him up till June 8. He was out there for a month and a half. Two months almost. Then he was out there for two weeks before I got him. Man, ok, I'm gonna, we're gonna have to search name. Who do you think? Who do ya think?

John: Jay Bell.

Ray: We could look up Henderson, too. Sexy Carrots has got him right now.

John: ...

Ray: C'mon baby, oh shit!

John: Oh...my...God.

Ray: Four (he claps) Jay Bell. Hope he's been using vasoline. God. Whew. Average draft pos: 175.7. Percent owned? 100.

John: Wow. Why? Can anybody tell me: why?

Ray: Alright. Henderson. Free agent, Four-point-seven percent owned, I think it said.

John: Check out Quilvio Veras.

Ray: Alright, hold on Tonto. I gotta see Henderson. I gotta see if he's been owned.…

AIM IM with rlwe9f
10/9/05, 4:36 PM
rlwe9f: Things are coming to a head in Houston.
rlwe9f: Clemens is stretching in the bullpen.
4:40 PM
John Randall: A head?
John Randall: The Rocket!
rlwe9f: No not yet
rlwe9f: The Braves have the bases juiced.
rlwe9f: McCann just struck out.
rlwe9f: Orr is up, 2 outs
John Randall: Yeah, I've been listening. Andy Ashby said a few innings ago that Roger had gone up there.
rlwe9f: The Braves are 1-15 iwith RISP.
John Randall: At least the Astros are on local radio whereas if it was a regular season game for them going against ...Astros get out of mess...NFL.
rlwe9f: The Braves suck
John Randall: The Braves do suck. Where has Danny Kolb been? Is he not on the playoff roster?
rlwe9f: This is the inning that the Astros clinch the series.
rlwe9f: no, he is on the botton of a lake in Atlanta
rlwe9f: Wheeler bats fifth this inning, then Rocket has to come in.
rlwe9f: Of course I don't know who would bat for him.
John Randall: Jim Brower...how did the Braves' pen get so crummy. Pettitte could bat.
4:45 PM
rlwe9f: I think Pettitte might be in Atlanta
rlwe9f: This whole, keep your strter in the other city so he doesn't have to travel thing is lame.
rlwe9f: Mussina is in LA, when the Yanks need him in the Bronx.
John Randall: Ay, yeah, having a player in another city is really stupid, for these specific cases, where, OK, it might be three days' rest for him but he is all you got!
rlwe9f: It's not like the Astros are taking a bus to Atlanta...I believe they have a great big plane for about 50 people.
John Randall: Into the 15th!
rlwe9f: Quick work by Brower.
John Randall: Damn. Hey, was there a no-hitter this year?
rlwe9f: He has pitched 3 scoreless innings thus far in the series.
rlwe9f: not that I recall
John Randall: I was thinking last night, when Morris was spinning his no-no that there wasn't a no-hitter this year. Isn't this the first year in recent memory where there wasn't a no-hitter?
rlwe9f: Yeah, Randy last year.
rlwe9f: Who in 2003?
John Randall: Nomo? Or was that 2002?
rlwe9f: '02
John Randall: I'm going to go find a list. What about Bud Smith?
John Randall: The FOX Sports website has nothing on it about baseball. http://msn.foxsports.com/
rlwe9f: '01 or '02
John Randall: Washburn is not starting tonight, Lackey.
4:50 PM
rlwe9f: What! That is stupid
rlwe9f: Is Washburn fucking Bud Black's daughter or something?
John Randall: No, he's too sick. There were two no-no's in 2003: One by Millwood (?) and one by the Astros (combined). http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/stats/nohitters
rlwe9f: Milwood with Philly?
John Randall: This is the first year for no no-nos since '89. Yes, Millwood with Philly.
rlwe9f: ah, Nono in '01, Lowe in '02
rlwe9f: 2000 there poindexter
John Randall: Shit.
rlwe9f: Apparently Smoltz is hurt...he may ne D-U-N
John Randall: man, there are some real scrbs on this no-no list. What is wrong with Smoltz? Damnit, I knew it...that was his last game ever. And what a good one.
rlwe9f: That's a nice list by the worldwide leader
John Randall: It is a nice list. I'm impressed.
rlwe9f: His arm is ready to fall off. He said for Game 2 he had to throw almost exclusively fastballs because his elbow hurt so much. No breaking balls.
4:55 PM
rlwe9f: It seems liek the home plate ump expands his strike zone with Chipper up.
John Randall: Chipper has three walks in this game.
rlwe9f: True, but I am just telling you what I have observed his last few times up.
John Randall: Chipper strikes out. I will have to take your word since I can't watch this f-ing game.
rlwe9f: The K-zone shows the first two called strikes were pretty far off the plate.
John Randall: The umpire wants to go to dinner at one of Houston's finest.
rlwe9f: The Houston bullpen has been stellar.
rlwe9f: Now if Garner would just get rid of BAcke
John Randall: Backe has been a disappointment. He didn't throw that well in September either, really. One good game against Pittsburgh. He didn't throw well against STL.
5:00 PM
rlwe9f: Andruw swung at a ball at his eyes.
John Randall: Into the bottom of the 15th. Damn.
rlwe9f: This is a battle of attrition...the Texas baseball confederacy.
John Randall: That is funny. I love a game where you've got pitchers pinch-hitting and starters relieving. Love it! And how Berkman was lifted for a pinch runner in the 10th (or 11th?)
rlwe9f: 9th
John Randall: Geez.
rlwe9f: no, 10th
rlwe9f: The Rocket is going to bat!
rlwe9f: Atlanta's extra-inning bullpen has actually been better than Houston's. The Braves had had runners all over the bases.
rlwe9f: uh-oh...the dreaded leadoff walk.
John Randall: Rocket bunting.
5:05 PM
rlwe9f: Brower cannot find the K-zone.
John Randall: He doesn't need to find the K-zone, he just needs strikes.
rlwe9f: good bunt, biggio to 2nd
John Randall: Sac by Clemens, Biggio on second, Roger and Franco not happy with each other at first, but nothing comes of it.
rlwe9f: Now the 'Stros have Berkman up...oh, wait, no they don't. Well player Phil.
rlwe9f: because Roger is a fraidy-cat. I wouldn't mess with Franco, though.
John Randall: Burke trying to get on for Ensberg...3-1...
rlwe9f: Just setting up the double-play.
5:10 PM
John Randall: Pitcher steps off, McCann goes out to talk to Brower. Bases loaded would be OK...get the force at home with slow Chaves on deck...
rlwe9f: OH...DP baby
John Randall: 6-4-3 double play, into the 16th...here comes Roger...well, it's 6-6 in the 16th and with Roger pitching (i.e. the Devil) the Astros pretty much have it wrapped up.
rlwe9f: Frano looks every bit his 57 years today.
John Randall: Roger throws a nice splitter.
rlwe9f: How do you know?
rlwe9f: did your friend Andy Ashby tell you?
5:15 PM
John Randall: The announcers both (Ashby and Milo Hamilton) said "good splitter" at the same time.
rlwe9f: Frano has a crazy look in his eye.
John Randall: Sounds like he tried to get thrown out...was it in the K-zone?
rlwe9f: K-Zone shows it to be high
John Randall: Ashby just said the replay showed it to be in the strike zone!
rlwe9f: The ump certainly hasn't called that a strike all day.
John Randall: That's what Franco was saying, that the ump was favoring Clemens.
rlwe9f: Francouer looks bad...another K.
rlwe9f: to the bottom of the 16th.
rlwe9f: God, I wish this were Game 5
John Randall: This would be a perfect game 5.
John Randall: Are you saying that because you want the teams to be run down by the time they play the Cardinals?
rlwe9f: No, because it would be awesome
5:20 PM
rlwe9f: I wouldn't mind seeing Clemens get hurt, but that has nothing to do with the Cards...beside, if that happened, the Cards would be losing a garunteed victory.
John Randall: The Astros lost a game in the 16th in the '86 playoffs.
rlwe9f: well they aren't losing this one in the 16th.
John Randall: Have you been watching this whole game?
rlwe9f: no, since the bottom of the 9th. I got home and turned in on to see the Braves close it out.
John Randall: How was the game last night? I did not see much of it.
rlwe9f: Great the first few innings, tense when the bullpen came in...then LaRussa did the five-pitcher shuffle to delay the inevitable.
rlwe9f: TO THE 17th!
5:25 PM
John Randall: This game has gotten a little stale, but I'm loving it.
rlwe9f: The Astros lineup is about as weak as you'll see in a playoff game.
John Randall: It's not like Berkman is an extremely slow runner. Risky move did not pay off.
rlwe9f: Dallas is smoking Philly
John Randall: Dumb. I am not watching. The Astros have flipped Chavez and Ausmus. Now, Brian Jordan!
John Randall: man, biggio and Ensberg are both 0-6.
rlwe9f: The Astros are batting .170 as a team today. But that beats 1-16 w/RISP for Atlanta
John Randall: Jordan gets a double!
5:30 PM
rlwe9f: BJ with a double
rlwe9f: here comes 1-17 and 1-18.
John Randall: Furcal looking for his first hit.
rlwe9f: 13 hits and 11 walks for the Braves today
rlwe9f: zero errors committed by both teams.
John Randall: Jordan advances to third but now there are two outs.
rlwe9f: Alright John, D needs the computer. Do you want me to call you?
John Randall: Well, I am listening to the game on headphones, sooo...no, let's hold off...talk during the yanks game?
rlwe9f: done and done.
John Randall: later, then
rlwe9f: ok, but I am going to type until she comes into the room.
rlwe9f: Clemens looks determined.
John Randall: Clemens whiffs Giles with a fastball. Damn.
rlwe9f: Have you seen this BudLight commercial with Babe calling his shot?
John Randall: No...what's the story?
5:35 PM
rlwe9f: They use footage from the game, but then cut to the bleachers and show a bud light vendor.
rlwe9f: I think they might be using actual radio from that day to, but I cannot be sure.
rlwe9f: So, esentially, Babe hit a homerun to get the vendors attention...then as he is rounding third, you hear him say something like, 'hey, how 'bout a hot dog.'
John Randall: Not bad, sounds like a good baseball commercial. Don't see too many of those.
rlwe9f: gay and gay. They are desecrating one of Baseballs greatest moments to hock alcohol. and playing up the 'Babe is a heavy drinker' angle.
rlwe9f: It really isn't
John Randall: Well, I'll take anything to get a little more national interest in baseball, as opposed to football.
rlwe9f: true.
rlwe9f: ok, gotta go.
John Randall: See yaaaaaaaaaa
7:25 PM
You left the chat by logging out or being disconnected.

2:07 PM
John Randall: Wiz, give me about a half an hour and then we can start some iming...are you going to want to be iming during the game at all?
2:15 PM
rlwe9f: yo yo, I'll put it up afterwards
John Randall: So, you are wanting to do a play-by-play-type im diablogue?
rlwe9f: no, I figure that I will denote the inning, but other than that, we''ll just talk about the game, and the other games that have been played...very casual.
John Randall: yeah, I didn't mean every play, but I mean: something like we did during the world series as opposed to typing up transcripts?
rlwe9f: yeah
John Randall: No prob, so then I've got a little time to wrap something up (workwise) and then wrap something up (nonworkwise, wink wink)
rlwe9f: I'll catch you at 3-ish
John Randall: alrighty
2:50 PM
John Randall: When Astacio pitches at home the vendors don't sell peanuts, they sell pistachios. But seriously folks...
rlwe9f: Hey, I'm the star of this show...quit trying to upstage me.
John Randall: Are you watching on TV? I will be listening on MLB audio...we'll have to figure out if there is any delay...
rlwe9f: yeah, espn for me...I doubt there will me much of a delay, maybe 5 seconds.
rlwe9f: With us typing, that is negligible.
John Randall: Yeah, you are probably right about that. I am looking forward to being able to sit down and actually watch the Braves/Astros.
John Randall: Did you stay up for the Yanks/Angels last night? I fell asleep with it on MLB radio. I woke up at about 11:30 and the Angels were coming up to bat in the bottom of the 8th with a 4-2 lead. I went back to bed.
rlwe9f: yeah, I watched it
rlwe9f: The results are all that matter.
John Randall: I read that the Yanks made a couple of errors, A-Rod and Wang. Cano looked shaky at second in the first game.
rlwe9f: A-rod boned one up big time, completely routine.
John Randall: What's the weather report in St. Louis, Ray? Take a step out on your balcony and give us the readings.
rlwe9f: hold on...
John Randall: It is 75 degrees, sunny, and breezy in Austin. Delightful.
rlwe9f: ...60 beautiful degrees
John Randall: Not bad. When's So Taguchi gonna get some playing time in this series? The Cards need to put that bum Sanders on the bench.
rlwe9f: Stookey spent the night in jail
rlwe9f: I am getting the report as we speak
John Randall: Yikes. Please relay the report...
3:05 PM
rlwe9f: apparently, Stooks and a friend were leaving Harpo's last night when they were blind-sided and beat down...When they came to, the police were arresting them for attemted theft of a Jaguar...
John Randall: wow...damn...
rlwe9f: 'witnesses' said it was them that tried to break into the car, Stooks thinks the 'witnesses' were the people that jumped them.
rlwe9f: They just got out of jail and don't know if charges are going to be filed.
rlwe9f: Stooks is on his way to the hospital...he said he got cracked on the head hard and his ribs really hurt.
John Randall: Harpo's doesn't strike me as being a dangerous place...did they get a look at the folks who jumped them?
rlwe9f: no, they were hit from behind.
3:10 PM
John Randall: What time?
rlwe9f: I didn't ask, probably late
John Randall: Were they jawing with anyone in the bar?
rlwe9f: He didn't say they were
John Randall: Does Stooks have a lawyer?
rlwe9f: yeah, and I am going to talk to D to get her take.
rlwe9f: That's what is interesting, they don't even know if they are formally charged.
John Randall: it doesn't sound like the govt. would have much of a case, if it's based on these witnesses. Plus, if Stooks really got the shit kicked out of him, he couldn't be in much shape to steal a car.
rlwe9f: that and I told him to get his lawyer to demand the Jag be fingerprinted.
rlwe9f: Thta's the case right there
John Randall: Yeah, sounds like it. Might be a lot of prints on there, but not his. Who was he with?
rlwe9f: Matt Gladback.
rlwe9f: I think what th ecops think is that they were caught trying to lift the car and subsequently got their asses kicked.
3:15 PM
John Randall: By the owner of the car, or just some Samaritans?
rlwe9f: well, if it is the muggers, then they are just good citizens, but I doubt the real owner of the car mugged to people then framed them for grand theft auto.
rlwe9f: That is some frame job
rlwe9f: It would make a good story though.
John Randall: what did stooks get hit with?
rlwe9f: A fist.
John Randall: He has a clean record and a job doesn't he?
rlwe9f: Just to interject...Bottom of 1st, 0-0. 1-2-3 inning by Mulder.
rlwe9f: Yeah, if you are talking about Stookey.
John Randall: Well, then it doesn't make any sense that he just goes out one Wed. night and decides to steal a car...
rlwe9f: no shit, the whole story makes zero sense.
rlwe9f: Just like when Stooks' car was stolen with him in it, and then run into a brick wall...
rlwe9f: ...after a night at Harpos
John Randall: That story is funny, though. This one isn't, given that Stooks is injured. Plus, that night at Harpo's transformed into a night at The Oz, didn't it?
3:20 PM
rlwe9f: to be sure
rlwe9f: He was also arrested for pissing on a building outside of Harpo's...that was when I was surrounded by 6 cops for walking while drunk.
John Randall: A-dro Pistachio. Gets a double play and the first inning is in the books.
rlwe9f: Pujols
John Randall: Hmm, yeah being arrested outside of Harpo's once prior doesn't help his case, but it isn't the same thing as stealing a car.
rlwe9f: I told him, "no mare Harpo's"
rlwe9f: The weather here is perfect for October baseball, cool and sunny.
John Randall: I miss it!
rlwe9f: great play by Mulder.
rlwe9f: That ball got on him in a split, he did welll just to deflect it, but then he threw the guy out.
rlwe9f: I love Khalil's long, blond hair.
John Randall: Khalil is pretty hot. He'd be fun to watch. I don't now if I've ever seen him play.
rlwe9f: Mulder just got nailed.
John Randall: I just got that...Shannon, "He's hurt...it knocked the wind out of him..."
rlwe9f: no, it hit him right above the elbow.
rlwe9f: This is not good.
John Randall: Hagin thinks left biceps.
rlwe9f: screw what Hagin thinks, I saw it.
3:30 PM
John Randall: He's getting back on the mound, folks. Shannon says left arm.
rlwe9f: If he gets out of the second unscathed, I seriously think about warming up Marquis.
rlwe9f: Precautionary I know, but this could get ugy quick.
John Randall: Bases loaded when Mulder hits Nady.
rlwe9f: Marquis is now warming up
rlwe9f: Way to go Tony, good play.
John Randall: Pacing in the Cardinal dugout...hagin: not throwing free and easy at all...
rlwe9f: the last two pitches have been nice
rlwe9f: good bye Johnson
John Randall: Who is this Johnson fella?
rlwe9f: K for Mulder
rlwe9f: he's a rookie
John Randall: I just got the K...so you are about 15 seconds ahead I think
rlwe9f: okay, I'll try not to give you info before you hear it.
John Randall: inning over
rlwe9f: Johnson is their right-fielder when Klesko sits.
John Randall: Sounds like San Diego has a weak lineup against lefties.
rlwe9f: their is little power in this lineup
John Randall: I don't understand how Phil Nevin fell off so fast...he didn't play much at all with the Rangers after the Pads traded him.
rlwe9f: yeah, talk about a one-hit, contract-year wonder.
John Randall: Time to grab a cold, frosty Budweiser, says Mike. Maybe Nevin was a roids guy. I hate to speculate blatantly, but talk about a guy who has a history of power episodes intermixed with nagging injuries. And gets traded.
rlwe9f: I thought that about Jenkins earlier this year, but he rebounded nicley and had a great second-half.
John Randall: Yeah, it's hard to say. Nevin did nothing for four years, and then in 1999 starting jacking them out.
rlwe9f: Mulder looks perfectly calm sitting on the bench.
rlwe9f: After 2, it's 0-0
John Randall: If the ball got him on the left arm, which Hagin and Shannon believe, but which you dispute, then...oh wait, Mulder is a lefty! Damn. I was gonna say how that wasn't his pitching arm...
rlwe9f: I just dispute Hagin's bicep comment...it was more than that, more serious. It hit him right above the elbow on the side of his arm. This isn't a muscle we are talking about, which might just bruise, this could be the bone, a tendon or a ligament...gone for a year serious.
John Randall: E.Y. Retired after trying to bunt...
John Randall: Loretta hasn't been the same since getting hurt in May/June this year.
rlwe9f: Yeah, he was great last season and early this year.
John Randall: Did you talk to Ashcroft at all?
rlwe9f: Yeah
John Randall: Heh, heh. Alright, give me a second then...
rlwe9f: after 2 and a half, no score.
3:50 PM
John Randall: Abraham said, man, you must be puttin' me on.
John Randall: The Cards need someone like Abraham to get hot. Seeing Sanders have a good game was a positive sign, because he is a streaky player.
rlwe9f: I agree, Nunez walks, that's a nice sign.
John Randall: Where you want this killin' done?
rlwe9f: out on Highway 61.
3:55 PM
John Randall: Yes. 'Member, I think we listened to this song in the Blue Pontiac once when you picked me up from wash u after I finished with my finals. We had cigars? Can that be right? You were a freshman, were you listening to Bob Dylan by then? I wasn't. Of course, I listened to primarily shitty music back then.
rlwe9f: Thta's about the time I started on Bob, though this instance was most likely sophomore year.
rlwe9f: That's when I discovered that album.
rlwe9f: Cards get on the board first.
John Randall: That's what it's gotta be then. I just remember the crazy whistle sounds while you were finding top legal speed on Highway 40...safe at home, nunez in under the tag on what Hagin calls a "fadeaway slide" at home. I can't say I've ever heard that term, but I think I like it. What does it mean, though?
4:00 PM
rlwe9f: That slide fades away in the fans' memory
rlwe9f: oh-uh, could we get bases juiced for Albert?
rlwe9f: YES WE CAN!!! To qoute Mike, 'He wouldn't walk him would he?'
John Randall: That is one of Mike's best sayings. Original.
rlwe9f: let me know when you get Pujols's fourth pitcvh.
John Randall: sorry...i missed that...I almost stepped on a bug...took it outside
John Randall: RBI for Pujols on a based-loaded walk
rlwe9f: Walker up with the bases loaded.
rlwe9f: tell me when Walker does something on your end.
John Randall: 7 career grand slams, full count after a fastball misses up and in
John Randall: Walker strikes out...
John Randall: I waited awhile to say that. The delay is about 15 seconds...I don't want you to have to wait for me before you interject, though.
rlwe9f: Will Snaders hit another GS?
John Randall: I believe he is capable. Reggie steps out...
John Randall: Four world series for four teams for Sanders...who could get four RBI's
John Randall: What teams, Ray?
rlwe9f: Arizona, Atlanta, SF, STL
John Randall: Atlanta! I could not think of that one.
rlwe9f: Sanders strikes out, 2-0 STL after 3.
John Randall: Shoot. The catcher dropped it but then tagged home with his foot. That is a strange way to end an inning!
rlwe9f: With a man on first, I don't think Sanders can reach on a dropped 3rd strike.
John Randall: That rule might be different if there are 2 outs, though...it sucks to have someone have no chance to make it to first when there are already two outs, you know?
rlwe9f: Yeah, but if there was only one out, the catcher could drop the ball, step on home for the force, then throw to second for the double-play, all on a strikeout.
rlwe9f: throe to first I mean
John Randall: The catcher never threw to first, did he?
rlwe9f: no, baecause he didn't even have to tag Sanders.
4:15 PM
rlwe9f: easy inning for Mulder.
rlwe9f: I think he only threw 4 pitches.
John Randall: No, the catcher can't do that with one out because the batter can't go to first on a dropped third strike if first is occupied and there are less than two outs. If there are two out, it's every man for himself. The catcher did not tag Sanders, but he had to either tag Sanders or step on home, or throw to first. The catcher stepped on home.
rlwe9f: I agree with the first part, which is what I was tryin to convey, but I don;t think the rule changes with 2-outs. I don't think he has to tag Sanders.
John Randall: I think it does change with two out, we'll have to look up the rules.
rlwe9f: Ah, the intricacies of the game
4:20 PM
John Randall: 6.09 The batter becomes a runner when-

(a) He hits a fair ball;

(b) The third strike called by the umpire is not caught, providing

(1) first base is unoccupied, or

(2) first base is occupied with two out; When a batter becomes a base runner on a third strike not caught by the catcher and starts for the dugout, or his position, and then realizes his situation and attempts then to reach first base, he is not out unless he or first base is tagged before he reaches first base. If, however, he actually reaches the dugout or dugout steps, he may not then attempt to go to first base and shall be out.
rlwe9f: good AB for Grudszifajhjhsflanek..single
John Randall: G-rule double for Abraham!!
rlwe9f: What about forcing the runner on third? Is that allowed, or does the batter have to be 'outed'?
John Randall: You don't have to get the batter out, it becomes a live ball, as if the batter hit it and the catcher fielded it.
rlwe9f: Another run for STL
rlwe9f: Ok
John Randall: In the division series, if the team with home-team advantage for the series wins the first two home games, the home team should have the option of making game three into a third, successive and (for it) final home game.
rlwe9f: That would be great. If you lose, you have two away games to end the series.
John Randall: Yes, so it's a gamble by the home team. Of course, scheduling would be a little screwed up, but it's feasible.
rlwe9f: suicide squeeze by Eckstein. 4-0 CArds
John Randall: The Cardinals pulled off a number of suicide squeezes this year, didn't they? The suicide squeeze is the great trick play of baseball, like a flea flicker in football, or where a wide receiver throws a touchdown.
rlwe9f: Yeah, and the Cards are like 15-`17 this year on SS's
John Randall: Wow, is that a high number of suicide squeezes for one season? Are there any stats on that?
rlwe9f: The team keeps those records for the Cards, I don't know about other teams.
4:30 PM
rlwe9f: Mulder K's Johnson for the second time.
John Randall: I don't know how a guy like that makes it into the playoffs. By this time of year, no-namers should be playing golf.
4:35 PM
rlwe9f: agreed, don't they have any other righties on the bench?
rlwe9f: Another DP for the Cards...4-0 Cards going into the bottom of the fifth.
John Randall: It doesn't look like they had any options outside of Damian Jackson, whom they sent up to pinch hit. He singled. But now is he done for the game?
rlwe9f: he replaced johnson it looks like.
John Randall: The Cards drafted Johnson in '99. Was he in a Woody Williams trade?
rlwe9f: I don't know about that...could be hold on
rlwe9f: well, I'm not finding out quickly, so I am abondoning ship
John Randall: Yeah, I found something saying the padres got him in a July 2000 trade...but the Cards got Woody in 2001...who else have Cards gotten fromo SD?
John Randall: Ben Johnson, considered the hardest-working player in the Padres' system, arrived with right-hander Heathcliff Slocumb from the Cardinals in a trade for catcher Carlos Hernandez and infielder Nate Tebbs on July 31, 2000. Towers initially asked for another of the Cardinals' Class A prospects — Albert Pujols. Cardinals G.M. Walt Jocketty wisely said no.
rlwe9f: Wow, that's great.
rlwe9f: Where would we be without Pujols.
rlwe9f: ?
John Randall: We'd be under .500 with one outfielder who shouldn't be getting any postseason at-bats.
John Randall: Game has been quiet for a while. The Padres' at-bats are non-events, it seems. Unless they are hitting line shots back at Mulder.
rlwe9f: The Cardinals have only four hits to their 4 runs...a boring game indeed.
John Randall: In other news, the White House is falling apart fast.
rlwe9f: in what way? How more now than usual
John Randall: Well, Rove is going back to testify in the leak case. His third time testifying. The NY Times said it was unusual for him to be called back to testify at this point of the investigation. Plus, there was an indictment in the White House spy case, which I didn't even know about. And, the right is not happy with Harriet Miers. And, the whole Katrina debacle, i.e. "Brownie, you're doin' a great job." And now I see this headline on CNN saying the NYC police commissoner has received info saying that the subway is a target for an attack that would come within days. Which makes us think, one war and about a trillion dollars later, if all this bullshit in Iraq was really worth it. The answer, to those who didn't see it through the smoky outset, is now clearly: no.
4:50 PM
rlwe9f: are you serious about the NYC thing?
rlwe9f: Another Dp for the Cards?
John Randall: Yeah, check out nytimes. com. Hey, another $99.99 for Cardinals Care. American Equity Mortgage. Shannon: They're gonna go broke before this thing's all over.
rlwe9f: That's hilarious
John Randall: American Equity Mortgage...
John Randall: ...the future buh-longs to you-ew-ew
4:55 PM
John Randall: Devil Rays cleaned up for the better. Baseball breathes a sigh of relief:
John Randall: New York investor Stuart Sternberg took control of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays from founding owner Vince Naimoli on Thursday, promising better days ahead for a franchise that's finished last in seven of its eight seasons.

The first order of business was to fire general manager Chuck LaMar, who had been with the franchise since its inception. Assistant GM Scott Proefrock and player personnel director Cam Bonifay also were dismissed.
rlwe9f: That is great news not only for Tamps Bay, but for Baseball.
John Randall: Like you were saying, they should go out and sign some veterans who can go 13-14 and they will be the wild card.
rlwe9f: they need ERA's that don't start with 5 or 6.
John Randall: The whistle blows! It's quittin' time. Time for an ice, cold...Budweiser.
John Randall: After six, the Cardinals lead San Diego 4-0.
rlwe9f: I wish I had a beer right now.
John Randall: You have no beer? Ah, a shame. I have got a good amount of cheap beer. Sort of a new phase for me. I've got: Bud, Negro Modelo and Coors Original in cans.
rlwe9f: now that you are married, you have less interest in quality!
John Randall: Well, yeah, I just decided I was spending too much money to get craft brews. I still keep about six good beers in the fridge. Right now I've got one Guinness Draught Bottle, a bottle of Abita Turbodog, a couple pales ales, a bottle of milk stout and a bottle of O'Doul's Amber. I just try to save the bottles for special occasions, like Friday.
rlwe9f: this Friday, or any Friday?
John Randall: Any Friday... Greene's having a nice game: a walk, a hit by pitch, now a double...
rlwe9f: He's had a lot of line drives hit at him, too.
John Randall: Runners at the corner, Xavier coming up...time to slow it down...Duncan to the mound. Julian is getting warm?
rlwe9f: 4-1 Cards, single by Nady.
John Randall: If Smoltz blows out his arm tonight, it will be his last game ever.
rlwe9f: i aree
rlwe9f: tavares is warming up.
rlwe9f: another $99.99
John Randall: Plus, cheap beer is lower in alcohol content than the stuff I was normally drinking. This Modelo Especial is 6% by volume, more than I thought, actually. I was tryin to stay around five. Mulder comes out in lieu of Tavarez.
rlwe9f: a big out for Tavarez...Klesko flies out to left.
John Randall: Modelo Especial #1, R.I.P. I want to get a crappy clubhouse where I can have a shelf that has old beer cans on it. Ray, this was an idea I had. My family on my mom's side owns some land along the Kaskaskia River near Okawville. They used to have a clubhouse out there but like morons they got rid of it. Maybe we could build another out there. Interested? We could get my cousins to help us.
rlwe9f: Possibly
rlwe9f: That could be fun.
John Randall: Yeah, you don't even put toilets in, you just have an out house. It's just a place to go in the summer and have a radio on with a game and fuck around and drink beer and listen to the Cardinals or Cubs.
rlwe9f: That sounds like a nice evening.
rlwe9f: if it is 4-1, does Tony bring in Izzy to close it out?
John Randall: Yes.
rlwe9f: would you?
5:20 PM
John Randall: Yes, because it would be unusual and possibly unsettling not to bring him in. LaRussa would be dissing Izzy.
rlwe9f: unbelievable Hit 'n Run by Pujols.
John Randall: Hagin is having a decent game...he just referred to Sir Lawrence Walker.
rlwe9f: Well, doesn't Izzy deserve to get dissed? He flat out stunk on Tuesday.
John Randall: Yeah, but this isn't the time to be sending messages. At this point, you've got what you've got and you go with it.
rlwe9f: You sound like McCarver.
John Randall: Hey now. But you breath a sigh of relief if the Cards go up by more than three runs. All I'm saying is, what is Izzy gonna think if it's 4-1 in the top of the ninth and Ray King is in there. It's like, I had a good year and now it's the playoffs and I'm benched in a save situation. That doesn't make any sense.
rlwe9f: I agree, but we can still discuss it.
John Randall: We can def. discuss it.
rlwe9f: Sanders drives in two with a double and advances to third on the throw.
rlwe9f: see ya Izzy
rlwe9f: Actually now I WOULD bring him in to pitch.
John Randall: The Cards get the big hit in the seventh. Yeah, I could bring him in, but I probably wouldn't. I'd bring in someone who hasn't yet pitched this series. Is there anyone in the pen who hasn't pitched yet?
rlwe9f: King, MArquis and Suppan
John Randall: I'd bring in Marquis and King for a lefty.
rlwe9f: Pujols just pulled Gruds aside in the dugout, and then went into the tunnel with him where the cameras cannot follow. He looked pissed at Mark for his poor AB and K.
John Randall: I hear that. Grud has been asleep.
rlwe9f: Pujols is a great clubhouse leader. He commands the ultimate respect even though he is only 25.
John Randall: Yeah, it's hard to tell him no. He goes so hard himself, and seems to be vigilant about the game.
rlwe9f: very intense
5:30 PM
rlwe9f: Anyway, it's 6-1 after 7
rlwe9f: Taguchi is in at left field
John Randall: I like that. They need to get him some at-bats, considering he could well be in the outfield or in as DH...
rlwe9f: yo yo
rlwe9f: Game 3 starts at 11:00 EST!!!
rlwe9f: I guess Fox doesn't want anyone on the east coast to see that one.
rlwe9f: nope, espn has that one.
John Randall: Ten o'clock is rough.
John Randall: I have lit some incense. And Brook is home from work.
rlwe9f: I hate having to wait all day for a game...especially a playoff, elimination game.
John Randall: Yeah, I don't even know if I will be awake for that. Pretty lame.
5:40 PM
rlwe9f: Julian hit s a batter with the bases-loaded, 6-2.
John Randall: Eek..Nady hit for the second time in the game.
rlwe9f: Flores is coming in instead of Ray King.
John Randall: My sister is visiting Austin starting tomorrow.
rlwe9f: looking forward to that?
John Randall: Yeah, I'm somewhat worried I won't have enough energy to do a decent job of entertaining. Plus, I have a number of other things I probably should work on. I just need to relax and enjoy it and catch up starting next Thursday.
John Randall: Plus, it'll be a cramp on space like Brook and I haven't yet experiences.
rlwe9f: true
rlwe9f: flores has a 1-1 count on Sweeney
rlwe9f: 2-2 count now
rlwe9f: STRIKE 3!!! Great job by Flores.
John Randall: Flores leapt in the air, Mike says.
rlwe9f: he did...I need to take 5
rlwe9f: be right back
John Randall: alright
5:55 PM
rlwe9f: ok
rlwe9f: Izzy is in
rlwe9f: It looks like Isringhausen is throwing harder today.
rlwe9f: Roberts pops up, 1 out.
6:00 PM
rlwe9f: Klesko strikes out, 2 gone.
John Randall: izzy looking pretty good, you said?
rlwe9f: yes
rlwe9f: game over, cards win 6-2, lead the series 2-0.
John Randall: Pop-up, who wants it?
John Randall: See, why are the Cards even flying to San Diego?
rlwe9f: you have a point
John Randall: you watching tonight's game?
6:05 PM
rlwe9f: yeah
John Randall: you gonna be able to IM during it?
rlwe9f: negative
rlwe9f: we can talk if you like
John Randall: alright, maybe I will give you a ring later on, esp. if the game is good.
rlwe9f: ok
John Randall: see yaaaaaaaaaa

This entry posted by J Rand : 21:31

(Taylor is my pal from Wash U.)

The Beat goes on!

Well, Maddux had to get worse at some point. That and the fact that the Cubs suck. The season draws to a close. It's too bad. There are games being played right now that I care so little about that I, despite my boredom, refuse to look at the box scores. Brook is in Michigan for Stephanie's wedding. I have been drinking beer and trying to find something interesting. I am lamenting that I don't have cable, for once.

But, ah, I checked MLBeat at one point this week and saw that you had revived it, and that gave me a warm and fuzzy feeling. However, this feeling was soon quashed by the fact that I knew Maddux had just failed to win a game the day before and that your wish would not come true. Oh well. Anyway, I am starting to think more about my SF trip. I was thinking about visiting you and SF at some point over my spring break. However, it looks like Ray and I are going to hit Amsterdam at that point (wow, if you were there at the same time, that would be cool, wouldn't it—first week of March?) So I am thinking California after I take the bar. Which would be in July/August.

In the meantime, I am interested in whatever it is you are writing. I am assuming MLBeat is not the only thing. I have got a blog going at hierophany.blogspot.com. I am currently trying to get some of my poems, essays, and transcripts up there. However, I am having a damned hard time trying to my blog to pop up when I do web searches. Advice? Think you could put a link to my blog on your blog? I have put a link to your blog on my blog.

You hanging with Nick Adams at all? I am not hanging with anybody. I've had about six beers, a percoset, and some John Ashcroft. Missing the old days when I could come to you place at Big Bend and Forsyth and sit out on that balcony! Member that time that the chair was somehow on your shoe? Damn.

Alright, um, it is 19:28 on June the 10th, 2004. I just drove by a mailbox that said Paul Brewer on it. I just drive by mailbox #175. I look over to the left, I’ve got hills, I’ve got the rolling hills of central eastern Missouri. Lots of trees.

But also rain. So, a grey sky is what I see. The road is pretty windy, and it’s wet. In some places there’s been some standing water. Um, no cars either in front of me or behind me right now. Although, I have had cars both in the front of me and behind me.

I saw a little blue sky out there in the distance off to the southeast. Which is basically the direction I’m heading. Take a look at the compass…goin around a curve. Been in the car for
at least thirty-sux minutes. That’s the time I’ve got. I’m heading south right now and it’s 68 degrees Fahrenheit outside.

Um, my radio is tuned to 900 AM. It’s a, ah, Royals game, between the Royals, and the, ah, Montral Expos. I see a sign that says “Zelch for Sherriff.” Actually, when you drive through one of these towns up here, um, there are some signs leading up to the town—at least, this was the case when I drove back, um, not last Sunday, but the Sunday before that. The, I don’t know what that date was…what was that date? No, that was, a…Monday that I drove back. It was Memorial Day, I think it was the 31st. Let’s see. This Monday was the seventh…well, was it the second, is that right? Geez. This Monday was the seventh. Last Monday was the second. No, it wasn’t. I’m subtracting five. Which is how you tend to think these days, the week’s five days, you know? The other days don’t count, cause…you don’t have to do anything on those days.

Umm…last Monday was the 31st, Memorial Day, it was May. Alright, goin through the town of Drake. About to…meet a junction with Route 19. I see signs for Swiss and Rosebud. Goin around a curve. Actually headed northeast, now east around this curve. It’s quite a curve. Ah, and also running for sherriff, I guess against Zelch, is, ah, I think Randy Epshorst, so that must be the race. It must be Epshorst versus Zelch.

Anyway, you drive through this town and, ah, they have little signs that say, “Turn to,” you know, “101.7.” Or something. There’s a cop coming up here…. No, it’s not a cop, it’s a Lincoln Town Car, I was wrong. Yeah, Randy Eps-, Es- Horse, Horst, E-s-p-horst. Ah, it’s stopped raining, my wipers are going. The sky, to pretty much the whole east, but moreso the southeast, is clearing, it’s a really nice blue behind the clouds. The kind of blue that you couldn’t get tired of looking at. And some of the clouds are really nice, too. It reminds me of this cloud sketch that I saw in The Wall Street Journal the other day. By some English painter, I don’t remember the name. He was a landscape painter with, I believe, oils, and, ah, the article featured some of his sketches of clouds, but, the funny thing was that, you kinda caught the drift that these cloud sketches the he had done were maybe now more en vogue. Or, more of interest. I mean, that’s what was in the paper.

Aww, nice, just, field of grass. Not cut. Grass not cut. It gets yellow toward the top. There’s a little more green in the, in the bottom of it. But at the top, that grass is, is just yellow-brown. You know, sort of the color of hay. And some of it’s been cut. You can see, but it’s been cut, and it’s been bailed. So it might actually be hay. Whatever hay is. That’s off to the right. It’s been cut, it’s been bailed. The bails are about six feet high in circumference. So, they’re like a six-foot circumference circle. And they’re about, I don’t know, four, five feet long. Six feet high, six feet wide. Which, because it’s a circle, is the same thing. But…cut, like a cylinder four or five feet long.

Umm…I just love this road. This drive…is…so placid, it’s serene. It’s makes me think of Grant Wood, a Grant Wood painting. A painting that was captured on the title page, the cover, some call it, of a copy of, ah, Winesburg, Ohio that I had. Now! Off to the left: bails in the distance! Oh, it’s been bailed. It has been bailed. Some of this great grass has been cut. But it’s been harvested. It’s been harvested, but the bails are lyin’ all over, like dead buffalo. You know? Like in Dances with Wolves. But off to the right, now, ah, uncut with cows in it. Ahh, it’s by a little road that says “Rothemeyer,” Rothemeyer Road, I guess.

Um, looks like something on the road up here. It’s ahhh…a couple bunnies. Just a couple bunnies on the road. They scatter. What I want to say— Oh! Now a bunny’s back on the road, I can see it in the rearview. There was a cow on the road, as I was, ah, before I even had that, ah, little cylinder of my own. And, a bird just flies off the road. There’s, there’s some birds out now. Ah, well, I don’t know if it’s rained here. Actually, it hasn’t rained here. It’s dry. The roads are dry; it has not rained here. So, I probably went through, see I’ve been headed east, or southeast basically the whole time. That means that I went through a weather system there that was moving north? Northeast? I guess that’s the way weather tends to move through here. Kind of in an east, northesterly fashion.

Look over to the left, a clear-cut area goin’ straight out, that power lines run up and down. Kind of a nice look, actually. Um…just straight trees, forest—but a swatch cut down the middle with a bunch of power lines. Poles, multiple lines up and down between the poles. Probably, probably, I think it was, like, two poles wide, maybe more, so it was, ah, a serious river of electricity, it was it was, basically. Electricity is like the water of a machine. If a machine doesn’t get electricity, will never get any more electricity…it’s dead. You know, dying from water is just…the recognition that you’re never gonna get any more water for as long as you live. Which means…you’re dead. I mean, basically.

Some of these clouds, though. Anyway, I didn’t see any “Zelch for Sheriff” signs. Ahh, I guess the race is over. The signs, the signs advertising the race have not been taken down. But the signs that told me to tune in the radio station are gone. You know, there could have been an election the Tuesday after memorial day. That’d be a good day for an election, I guess. Or it could have been this Tuesday.

Ah, it’s Thursday. And…you, you might wonder why I’m drivin’ home on a Thursday. You know, ahh, don’t you have to work on Friday, John? Not this Friday, strangely enough. Alright, now we’re going through Rosebud and the sun has come out in my rearview mirror. In the west. I’m headed east. So I won’t see the sun. I will not be looking at the sun. Unless I catch it, probably the only time I head west is when I wrap around an overpass or something…an exit. When I…am goin’ down Towne Hall Road I’ll be headed west. Otherwise, I don’t head west at all. So I might not see the sun directly. By the time I get to Towne Hall, it’ll probably be…I don’t know.

Cop car! …But I don’t think anybody was in it. You know what I’d like right now? I’d just like to drink a little bit of, ah, scotch or whisky. Just have something to sip on? I shoulda brought my…flask. Maybe I can have bring Brook, bring Brook my flask. Brook bring my flask. But on the side: “Gerald 4 miles, Union 25, St. Louis 70.” I’ve been driving kind of slow. Ahh, the speed limit is…fifty-five right now, and I’m doin sixty. A big Dodge Ram just went by and had a four wheeler in the back, the trunk.

Ohhh…don’t know what I’m thinkin right now, what my wants are. I could easily get myself off right now. I would enjoy that. Umm…if I had had another cylinder, I would probably burn it, just for the hell of it. Zelch for Sheriff. Sooo…

You know what you need is like a fridge for your car, so that can go out, you can go to the store, that’s on the way to somewhere, so that you can keep your groceries in your car, and they wouldn’t get warm or spoil, while you were out for an hour or two, wherever you had to go. What’s the point of that? I don’t know what the point of that is. I guess my point is that people make trips out specifically to go to the grocery store. When you go to the grocery store, you can’t do anything after you go to the grocery store but come home, because you got to put the stuff in your fridge. So what I’m sayin is, you should be able to go to the grocery store without the requirement that that be the last stop of your trip. ‘Cause sometimes you don’t want it to be the last stop. It might not be on the way to do it, to do it last. So what people end up doing is going out, specially, to the grocery store, you know? I guess I catch it on the home. But a lot of people make a special trip for the grocery store. Each Saturday morning, Sunday morning I’ve done. I mean, who, ya know, who wants to go to the grocery store after work? It’s always such a hell-house after work. You should be able to go at the beginning of work, put your groceries in your car fridge, work, and then come home at the end of the day. All you have to do is take them out of the car, you don’t have to shop. How much more willing, how much more happy are you shopping in the morning. You know?

Goin’ through a nice, little town right now. This is Gerald. I see a kind of…square silo that say “MFA” on it. MFA is actually a gas station around here. I don’t know what MFA stands for. Missouri Farmers of America? Missouri’s Future…Antiques? Ahh…MFA. Masters of Fine Arts. Umm, they sell oil, though. I don’t know how MFA…you know, I wanna say Marathon. Marathon Fuel Association. Missouri Fuel Association. Missouri Farmers Association.

Umm…I have lost my radio feed completely. Maybe this was the town that, ah, told you the station. It might’ve been. Gerald, actually. Might’ve been the town that told you to tune the radio…. But I don’t see those signs anywhere. Here, either. So, alright, down to one lane up ahead, I don’t like the look of this….

***

Union, population, seven thousand, seven hundred, and fifty-seven. Did I go through Beaufort? I think I went through Beaufort without actually even realizing it. Because I’m in Union. I missed the turnoff to Ebel’s place. Not that I’m going there, but I usually make a mental note of it, alright. I got static. I got some flute music coming out of eighty-eight one. I like it. I like this kind of native flute, Native American flute. This is very pleasant listening. This is a good listening experience. I was just thinkin about all the urine that we get rid of. Even our own waste, our own feces. Isn’t that good fertilizer? I mean, aren’t we actually getting rid of something that we could make pretty decent use out of? What would happen if I pissed in a cup and used it to…moisten the soil around my plants? What if I did that once a month? It doesn’t need that much, but maybe a little bit wouldn’t hurt it. Maybe a little bit’d be good for it. There’s some stuff in our piss that’s not bad. Now, you wouldn’t want that to be coffee piss, necessarily. You’d want it to be good, clean piss. No alcohol in it, no nicotine in it.

Now, that’s kind of an interesting area. The effect of nicotine, caffeine, and alcohol on the water supply. ‘Cause we piss it out. Where did I just hear somebody saying that you piss it all out, or “Pissed all out.” I just heard somebody say that. Most of it is pissed out. Pissed out, pissed out, pissed out…. God, where the heck was that? Who said that? It kind of caught me off guard. Was it Ken? Was it Bob? Was it Brook? Was it my dad? Was it Ray? Who said something about pissing something all out? I don’t know.

Also in the background of this flute are, ah, just nightlife…crickets, frogs, sounds like what you would hear at my house, actually. It’s pretty nice. It’s such a gentle sound, the sound of the summer night, man. You can just open up your window and hear it. It’s free. What’s free? Dreams are free. Rain is free. The sound of crickets outside, and the sound of frogs…is free. Wal-Mart? Wal-Mart costs money. Wal-Mart’s not free. But…there’s a lot more people in the Wal-Mart parking lot than there are listening to crickets. How do you explain that?

You explain it by saying that people enjoy, people physically enjoy, people have a physical addiction to spending money. The only reason people want to get so much money is so that they can spend so much money. Spending money, man. There are few times when you’re not doing it. When are you not spending money? You know? When…you’re not running any electricity. When you’re not driving, when you’re not burning gas. I mean, driving…you’re spending money. I’m spending money right now, ‘cause I’m burning gas. And because I wanna have another tank of gas after this one. When I listen to the radio am I spending money? Ahhh…that’s a tough call. I had to buy the radio. If I want to keep listening to the radio the rest of my life, I’m going to have to buy another radio. I might have to listen to that commercials. I consider listening to commercials spending money. Because I don’t get anything out of commercials. I’m allowing myself to do something that is 100 percent useless, 100 percent non-beneficial. In order to…get something else. This song is by the Cherokee Elders…“Flames of Fire.” By somebody, I don’t know. “Flames of Fire,” though, I got the album. And the name of the song I forget now, Cherokee something. This is KDHX. This is their Indian, their American Indian…

I see a field with bales in the distance. And, ah, I don’t know. I’m enjoyin’ my ride. There’s been a little more traffic than usual and right now I’m behind a lot of cars. I’m pretty close to 44, though, so this is to be expected. These are pr’y the last hay bales I’ll see. I’m behind one, two, three, four, five, six, seven cars. With a pickup truck out front that’s holding everybody up. But 44’s coming right up here. Cross over Birch Creek. Yep, got the junction of 44 coming up, and highway AT. It looks like it’s saying junction of 44 at…. And then it doesn’t say anything else. So you’re like, well where is the junction? Junction 44 at what, tell me! No, folks, that’s highway AT, A-T. Ah, to the left. If you want to highway AH, A-H, go right. AH and AT. I’m about to get on 44.

I don’t know if I can make it home…without pissing. I don’t want to, but I might force myself to. This next part will go by fast, but I mean, I gotta piss. Piss it out. Who said, “Piss it out, you piss most of it out anyway.” Something like that. Fuck, who said that?

Song called “Crazyhorse,” pretty interesting lyrics. Made me think of Gerald Torres’s essay, “Who Owns the Sky?” Ahh…’cause it was talkin about how, ah, it was saying, who can sell the stars, or, who can sell the air? And that Torres essay talks about how, ahh…I think that essay was getting at how they talk about selling air pollution credits? You can pay to pollute? Basically, is the way that the law is set up now. Credits, trading. The government basically sold the sky, to people who pollute the sky, and…I gotta get on 270. Where is that? It’s coming up. And…the public didn’t get anything for it. So, it was the public that owned the sky in the first place. If the government has sold credits to pollute, then they’ve basically sold right to the air. People buy a portion of the air, and when they pollute they can say, well, it’s my air. I can do whatever the heck I want with it. If I want to put sulfur dioxide and mercury in it, I can do it. And you can’t force me to undertake the expense…. I mean, why not take $87 billion to just, fuckin pay everybody to upgrade their system, ‘cause they’re not gonna do it on their own, ‘cause they don’t want to spend the money. That would be useful. You would clean up the air a little bit, clean up the water. It’s possible…they just have to upgrade but they refuse to do it.

Or, they say, you don’t have to upgrade if you spend…if you spend the money to buy a new facility it has to be upgraded. The people want to build new facilities but they’re doin’ it part-by-part from within the old facility. So it’s just little blips on the radar screen. So they don’t have to take the extra expense of building a new facility that meets new standards. This Indian music is…not bad. I really would like to take a piss. I should not have had two O’Doul’s before I got on the road. This is John Trudeau’s voice over Indian music in the background. It’s not bad. I guess this guy’s name is John Trudeau.

A cartoon with a tobacco lawyer. The judge is saying to the tobacco lawyer from the bench, “The court orders you to talk out of both sides of your mouth.” And the tobacco lawyer, the defendant’s lawyer, says, “Well, that’s what I’ve been doing.” I will not…

I will not explain that joke. If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work. No explanations, though. I did just hear a, umm…what is that, not R.J. Reynolds…Phillip Morris commercial, that was talking about how parents are effective in reducing risky behavior in their children. It was the Phillip Morris Research Center or something. Well, hey, the stands are, ah…you know, there’s quite a few cars out here at this Gateway Grizzlies game. I gotta tell ya, this is, ah, wow…. That lot is full, folks. Take the Moussette Lane exit. The Grizzlies are packed. And they were on the radio here. I think they’re playin’ the Jeff City-area team. So, I don’t know. That place might be interesting. You could probably get some decent tickets to a game like that. And, ah, get a few beers. You know? Might have to do it. Might have to dooo itttt….

***

It’s, ah, it’s six thrity-five. It’s Thursday, July 1st, 2004. I am passing through the town of Rosebud, Missouri. I just had a cop on my tail for about ten good minutes. Umm, I had a funny one, probably about twenty-five, thirty minutes ago. I kept my speed pretty low, I’m drivin’ straight, drivin’ well, listenin’ to Keith Jarrett. And I made two stops to take photos. Acted on an impulse, really forcing myself to do it, ‘cause I’ve wanted to do it, ah, for quite awhile. Stop on Route 50, which I’m on, and take some photos ‘cause it’s gorgeous country out here. It’s a hell of a drive, goin’ from Jeff City to Highway 44. And they are doin’ some construction on Route 50 these days. So…every time I’ve been on it in the last…three weeks?…I’ve been stopped. And it looks like the stop is comin’ up.

But I am relieved to have that cop off my case. Because…it wouldn’t be pretty. But really, I’m, ah, I’m drivin’ well and, ah, my speed’s good. I’m coherent, you can hear me—obviously. It’s just a beautiful evening. I found this one shot, I don’t know how it’s going to come out on the photo, but it was heartbreakingly beautiful. I had to stop. I went past it, I turned around. And then I stopped at a cemetery that was getting some decent shadows and some nice 6:30 sunlight. On a Missouri summer. Those photos were in black and white. The first place I stopped I would call “Hay bales with tree.” What happened there? I ended my color roll. Four-hundred color. It’s a manual camera. And, I believe I took two photos there with black and white—at the first stop? And then, I don’t know, maybe four photos at the cemetery. Some out of focus, which is…how I like to take about…twenty percent of my photographs. Especially if it’s a landscape.

Ah, that’s it. No Cardinals game tonight. Major bummer. Cubs already played…major bummer. Might be able to get the Braves on 750 out of Atlanta. Interested to see if I will get anything else. There were a lot of games today. Looks like I’m gonna hit some road work soon. Early. It’s, ah,

by Ray W.
with John R.
(circa March 2002)

J: It’s about, mm, 4:52, Ray says he’s feeling it. Maryland, Uconn on. No, yeah. Maryland 38, Uconn 37. Ray’s in the kitchen. K in and out. Ray has, aa, vodka drink.

R: Strawberry stoli and tonic. What time is it? Four fifty…

J: Whaddya think? Do you wanna, um, I mean, I’ve got a black pen, we can…

R: Do you?

J: Yeah.

R: Well, no. I don’t wanna, I mean you’re using it.

J: Ok.

R: I should, oh, I have one in my bag.

(John makes some kind of motion)

R: Oh, yeah, totally…. I talked to Adam yesterday.

J: Oh yeah?

R: First time since he left. Had a good conversation.

J: Mm.

R: He’s really enjoyin it. He hasn’t, he says he’s really healthy, umm. He’s actually lookin to get some K.

J: Oh, really.

R: He’s like, basically like, random drug test but it’s like every three or four weeks.

J: Mm-hm.

R: So they’re lookin to get something that’s not pot. And it’s funny, because the people that are gonna do something like AmeriCorps are the people that are gonna do drugs, too, in my opinion.

J: Yeah.

R: You know?

J: Yeah.

R: Anyway, he said he’s gained weight, and he’s healthy, he’s learning how , he’s like, “I didn’t even know how to hammer nails.” He’s like buildin stuff.

J: Mm-hm.

R: He says it’s pretty fun.

J: Mm-hm.

R: So it was good to talk to him. He says he might be going over to Amsterdam. But he’s trying to find some way to get cheap tickets. When we were over there, I spent $300 in a week. I mean, granted, I was stayin somewhere. But hostels are like $15 a night, you know?

J: Mm-hm.

R: I haven’t figured out Motorcycle Maintenance yet. It’s probably because I’m only halfway through it. It seems like he says so much. And then today I noticed I’m only halfway through it, and I’m like, “Oh, yes.” Cause it’s such easy reading. Like the point’s…. I don’t know what’s going on. It’s this guy who’s like, he writes technical manuals.

J: Mm-hm.

R: And he’s on this motorcycle trip with his two friends and his son. And he keeps referring to this guy called, um, Phaedrus. P-h…like Greek thing. And supposedly this guy, like, lived in the fifties. What I think it is is that the narrator was this person. And he got electroshock therapy, but he doesn’t remember it but he kinda does a little bit, ya know?

J: Mm-hm.

R: And he was, like, cause like, the son will reference like, “You used to teach here.” Type stuff. And so like, I don’t know the whole deal yet, but like, it’s basically, like, this guy’s journey. Like, he’s a philosopher and doesn’t know it type of thing. And he feels this presence, and it’s him.

J: Mm. That’s pretty interesting.

R: And they’re taking this trip, and it’s like a feel-type thing. And then he, at one point he’s like, “That’s why I didn’t recognize these mountains.” Cause he used to come through at night, ya know…and didn’t see ‘em?

J: Mm-hm.

R: But then he’s like, in this classroom. And this was his classroom. And then this chick comes in, and he doesn’t know who she is…and it’s weird, it’s two stories going at once, you know?

J: It sounds a little bit like the Fight Club idea.

R: Yeah. Yeah.

J: Or, I mean—

R: I think I’m going to read The Sound and The Fury next, actually.

J: Really.

R: After reading Alexandria Quartet? Well, I’m not done with it. I’m done with three books now, though. I finished Mountolive.

J: Yeah.

R: Yeah, OK, this is what I was telling Adam. I’m so excited, I’m gonna tell you. The first book, ya know, is about Justine. The author’s eye is L.D. (Lawrence Durrell?)

J: Mm-hm.

R: Well, I found out in the third book his name is Darley, D-A-R-L-E-Y. They never give his first name, that’s his last name, they just refer to him as Darley. Cause in the second book it’s Balthazar. They, ah, essentially—it’s cool ‘cause the second book is basically like, um, the first book edited, with Balthazar’s comments, ya know. So it’s like he gave the first book to, to his friend, Balthazar, who’s a character.

J: Mm-hm.

R: And then, and then, the second book is pretty much what Balthazar said and then what he says on top of it, right?

J: Mm-hm.

R: And the third book is through Mountolive. Which is, he’s an ambassador, a British ambassador. And it’s the whole thing through his eyes.

J: Mm-hm.

R: And the fourth one’s Clea and she’s like, a, a local or whatever and it’s through her eyes. But the third, one, man, it’s the same fuckin story, you know, revolvin around.

J: Yeah.

R: God. It’s unbelievable, man. I mean, you just have to read this shit.

J: Yeah.

R: It’s one of those, it’s one of these, when I’m done with the, with The Alexandria Quartet, I won’t know anyone who’s read it.

J: Yeah.

R: You know?

J: Yeah.

R: That’s the kind of book it is.

J: Yeah.

R: I’d definitely say, it’s the best book I’ve ever read. And I just call it a book, you know?

J: Mm-hm.

R: Cause actually, I can’t find, I was on the internet, and it is impossible to find pictures of him.

J: Oh yeah?

R: Like, I found a couple of younger ones, like he died in 1991, and ah, like, there are just no pictures of him, there are like three of him I found, you know? He’s just such an enigma.

J: Yeah.

R: I have The Black Box, it’s a book. And you know what’s funny is he wrote a book called Pope Joan, and I read a story in my drama class, and one of the characters is Pope Joan.

J: (chuckles a little bit but without any energy)

R: So it totally, like, ties together. Like, and she’s a character. So, I think I need to read Pope Joan. It’s a story about, like, this chick who looked like a guy, who became a pope, and then she gave birth to a kid, as pope. That’s the story in the play. Like, I read this play, right? I’d love to see it. Cause it, cause supposedly, it’s one of these plays, where like, four actors play, like, fifteen people. It’s really cool. And it reads cool, but it’d be, if it was well done, it’d be a cool play to see, probably.

J: So, so you’re, you’re making the, um, link between Alexandria and Sound and Fury?

R: Sound and Fury’s one book with, what, three perspectives? I don’t know, I mean, I’ve never read it.

J: Yeah, it, it has four.

R: Ok. I mean, essentially the Quartet is like that, except that the second one is kind of like the first one, but it’s still through the, like, it’s through the eyes of the first guy.

J: Yeah.

R: But, through the eyes of the eyes of Balthazar. Like, it’s hard to, it’s hard to explain.

J: Yeah.

R: There’s, there’s like, it’s subtle but they’re different, you know? But the third one is just something totally different and that’s what really got me into it. I mean, I liked the second one, but the third one. It’s a good story, after being like this, this goddam love thing, love story, you know?

J: Yeah.

R: Like, that’s what Darley thinks it is. And, like, there’s so much more to it.

***

R: I didn’t want to call you up, but, ah, the 28th—21st—came around, you know, equinox it. Six months of, ah, 12 hours or more. The vernal equinox?

J: It’s passed, huh?

R: Yeah.

J: Yeah.

R: A couple days ago.

J: Yeah, I didn’t think about it.

R: I told Lynn yesterday, I , I woke up and ah, I got drunk Friday night, I got home at about three o’clock in the morning. I was like, I woke up at five thirty and the sun was fucking high in the sky. I told Lynn, I was like, I thought I was late. Cause the sun was so high up.

J: Yeah.

R: But I wasn’t. I checked three clocks, ya know? I just woke, I wasn’t like tired or anything, cause it was like a nap, you know?

J: Yeah.

R: But like, heh, I thought for sure that I fucked my clock up, my alarm clock up, but I didn’t. Took a nap last night, yesterday. I rolled yesterday.

J: Oh really?

R: Yeah. It was called “The Big Room,” it was a chill roll. Like, it’s not a speedy roll, it’s just like, there’s no like, there’s not as much visuals, but it’s more like, just like…

J: Yeah.

R: Cause we were gonna go see “Monster’s Ball.” But then she told me she got these pills and I was like, “Well,” I was like, let’s see Monster’s Ball on Monday and take these pills tonight.

(It’s Pink Floyd “One of these Days” from the CD Meddle in the background. The part where an ogre-esque voice goes, “One of these days, I’m going to cut you into little pieces!” and then the song speeds up. It’s a period of quiet…)

J: Did you guys do that here, or what?

R: No, her place. I gotta go over there later. My laundry’s all over there. (Chuckles) Yeah, she made dinner.

(More down time)

J: I ran into someone at Office Depot, from one of my classes, who I had never really, really talked to before?

R: Yeah.

J: Grad, grad student. He’s, ah, he’s got a lot of like, literary connections, I guess. An MFA grad student.

(Ray goes into his bedroom and comes out with a small, blue, wirebound journal. He sits down and opens it, looking for the page)

R: Last Sunday I had this dream. (Still leafing through it, finds it) Alright, ahhh. “My name is Lieutenant Colonel John O’Neill and I’m the leader of the underground faction in the U.S. Military. We are resistant, we are a resistance to the standing army’s, uhh, misuse of violence in the world. We soldiers who risk our careers and lives everyday are not rogues. We love the Army and we stand for all the values the Army strives to attain. Last night I caught wind of a beggar, last night I caught wind of a breach in our silent code. We had been infiltrated by some unknown intelligence agency that is no doubt backed by the Pentagon. Our location is deep inside one of the many top secret Army locations. From above it looks like a field of corn, but beneath is a labyrinth of offices and command centers. I’m also part of a task force that tracks dissident behavior in the civilian and military populations. This gives me a unique and powerful advantage over Army regulars. It allows me in my own to stay one step ahead of the authorities. No one knows who I am on either side. I guess it could be said that I am a master of disinformation, and innuendo. It’s important to note that everything I’ve been a part of outside of basic training never officially happened dot dot dot…

J: That’s good.

R: I think, that, uh, the whole premise, it’s a novel. This is a novel idea.

J: Yeah.

R: Right? And, ah, and, and, the theme of it would be like, nonexistence.

J: Mm-hm.

(R hands the book to J and J is reading it, flipping a page or two)

R: You know, like this guy who like leads, on the civilian side, he’s like up and up but he’s so high up that no one knows he exists. And on the other side, he’s leading an organization which no one knows exists. Because, you know, he can’t be seen.

J: Mm-hm.

R: And, and, the whole point, I don’t know, the feeling I got from this dream, was that it was, ah, it was like, it was a resistance within the Army, to, to just fight, like for the values that the original United States Army fought for, which is just protection. Like, that was the, I don’t know, that’s what was in my dream, you know?

J: Yeah.

R: It was freaking weird.

J: Yeah, this is good.

(The music, now on “A Pillow of Winds” can be heard to say “And the night winds die…”)

J: Hm. This sounds prett weird. I had lunch with, ah, Nick Adams on Thursday.

R: Yeah.

J: Gave him some calea. So I’m interested to hear what’s become of that. My sleep’s been all messed up lately.

R: Yeah?

J: Had some bad dreams.

R: Hm. That’s weird.

(Now, “Fearless,” “You see you’d like to see me try-y-y)

J: I had a dream where I was nostalgic for something (clears throat) that I don’t have any memory of. So I thought I, I might have gottens somebody else’s nostalgia.

R: Dude, yesterday on “Enterprise,” they were on this planet and, ah, it was a rogue planet, there was no sun? And there was like this jungle in the middle of nowhere, of the universe? And, ah, they came across these hunters, that were from this planet, and like, supposedly they’re only allowed to hunt four days a year on this planet, you know, that’s all the society allows? And, and, they come across this being that can, ah, that basically is telepathic and can morph into anything that, that you think you’d want to see. So Captain Archer sees this woman, and he’s like, I know I’ve seen you, but I don’t know who you are. And so later on in the episode, he figures out, it’s what he envisioned from a Keats poem.

J: Wow.

R: Ah, a poem that his mom used to read to him, and that’s who she was. You know, and I think that’s interesting that you brought that up?

J: Yeah.

R: Because they totally connect.

J: Huh. Yeah.

R: Like you think it’s someone else’s, but it’s not. You know?

J: Ok. I see what you’re saying. Yeah.

R: Like, you just don’t remember it.

J: Yeah. Hm.

(Fearlessly the idiot face the crowd…smiling…Otherwise a period of silence, guitar from the end of “Fearless”)

R: Do you remember Chris S.?

J: Yeah.

R: Saw him on Friday night.

J: Really?

R: They were fuckin drinkin. They bought some, ah, Glenmorangie. And they were fu— I had, I had a glass but I couldn’t dr—, I couldn’t finish it. I was, I was kinda drunk when I got to Pat’s. We went to this Spanish kid’s place, and like, we were drinkin there and, like, it was two in the morning, and it wasn’t so much that it was late, I just didn’t want to drink anymore, I was gonna have to get up.

J: Mm-hm.

(In “Fearless”, the football crowd chant is playing)

R: But they were fuckin just drinkin it, man.

J: This was at Pat’s?

R: Well, we were at Pat’s. And then we went to this Spanish kid’s place. It was kind of weird. There were all these Spanish people.

J: Where is Chris S.?

R: Well, he went, ah, he went to Dartmouth, I think. But he got kicked out, for a year, he’s on a year’s probation. He can’t come for a year. Sexual harassment or something.

J: Oh, really?

R: So, he got a job, and now he’s in New York for six months. That’s where he’s going Saturday. I don’t know if he’s, like, not going back to school.

J: Huh.

R: He’s set up pretty well, with this job. He’s all into the, you know, the stock market. Him and Adam were talkin about it.

***

R: Last time I saw you was the night I went out with Stuckey, last Wednesday? Did I tell you about that night?

J: Unh-uh.

R: I almost got arrested?

J: (laughs by blowing air through his nose)

R: For drunk walking? Yeah, I hadn’t talked to him in forever, man.

J: Drunk walking?

R: That Wednesday I went out with him. It was probably the first time I got drunk with him in more than a month. We went to Harpo’s. It was me, Stuckey, and Mark W.? And Mark drove. I was out at Stuckey’s. And we drove there, it was like five miles away. And, like, Whitney wants to leave, and I’m trying to round up Stucks, and then we end up—like, we’re drunk—we end up taking some shots or something. And Mark leaves? Which is fine, you know? So, the bar closes down and we’re trying to find—I’m tryin to find us a ride home. Cause Stuckey’s fucked up. And Stuckey, like, walks off that way. And I’m like, whatever, you know, I’m talking to these people trying to get a ride home. And none of them are going our way. And I go looking for Stuckey and he’s gone. Right, I don’t have my phone, my jacket, nothin. Cause it’s in Mark’s car. So, I go to Schnuck’s and call four cab companies, and they’re all closed. So, I’m just like, “Fuck!” So I just start walkin. Like, back towards Stuckey, and, you know, I’m a little loose on my toes and shit, and this cop’s coming from the other direction, passes me, turns around, and it’s a chick, and she pulls me over? And, ah, and like, within like two minutes, there were three other cop cars—four cop cars, they like, the chick was cool, but then, like, when the other guys came, like, they put me against the roof of the car?

J: Mm-hm.

R: You know, hands behind the head, pattin me down and everything? And I was like, you know, I’m like, “I’m drunk and I’m walkin to my friend’s house,” you know?

J: Yeah.

R: You know, they were asking me questions. I was like, that’s what I’m doin. And, ah, and they were like, this one dude was a dick, and he’s just like, “Then you can stay the night with us if you want.” You know.

J: Yeah.

R: And I was like, I was like, “No thanks officer.”

J: (laughs)

R: You know? “I don’t wanna go to jail.” So they’re like, “Fine, we’re just gonna leave you here.” And they just take off. And, like, I’m like, so I walk like two more miles. And finally a dude pulls over and gives me a ride home.

J: Uh-huh.

R: I gave him, like, eight bucks. And I get there, and Stuckey’s not there. I wake up the next morning, and go home. Stuckey calls me the next day, and, ah, he fuckin’ got put in jail. Like not arrested, they just put him in jail ‘cause he was drunk. So, if I woulda gotten thrown in jail I would’ve been in the same cell.

J: (laughs)

R: I was just thinkin that would have been hilarious.

J: Oh, yeah, man, that would’ve been great.

R: You know? To, to get led into the jail and Stuckey’s already there, and just be like, “Ohh! I was lookin for you!” You know? I felt like shit on Thursday.

J: Where would this have been at?

R: This was all out at Olive, you know?

J: Ohh.

R: Fuckin West Olive. Way out there.

This entry posted by J Rand : 13:04